From “Ouch!” to Opportunity: How to Harness Feedback

"Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream."

-          Don Miguel Ruiz

Recently, a colleague referred to me as messy. And I felt the rise immediately, irritation, embarrassment, the urge to protest.

Inside, my first thought was: How rude! They don’t understand how much I juggle or why things are where they are. I could feel myself preparing a defence.

Feedback is everywhere. It comes from clients, colleagues, managers, students, trainees, friends, and sometimes even strangers with strong opinions about how we should do our job. Some feedback is affirming, the heartfelt thank you or a positive comment. Other feedback can land like a punch to the stomach. Even when delivered kindly, it can trigger a surge of defensiveness, shame, or the irresistible urge to explain ourselves.

Why is that?

-           Because we take feedback personally!

One of the most liberating principles from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements is the idea that we absolutely do not need to take anything personally. When someone offers feedback, they are speaking from their own viewpoint, their experiences, their expectations filtered through their unique model of the world. The feedback itself is simply information.

What matters more is what we choose to do with that information.

Feedback is not a verdict it is data

Feedback does not define who we are. It offers an opportunity to understand how others experience us, where expectations may not match reality, and what adjustments might help.

T

he feedback isn’t you it is simply information about the impact.

If feedback hits a nerve, it’s often because a part of us fears it might be true. Criticism only stings when it hooks onto something we already feel uncertain or insecure about. Shame shows up and demands that we protect ourselves. We defend, deny, or deflect not because the comment is outrageous, but because it threatens our ego and our self-worth.

When we respond with disproportionate defensiveness, that is a signal. A prompt to explore and consider:

• What belief am I holding that has been poked?

• What is the narrative? What story am I telling myself?

• What am I afraid this means about me?

In that curiosity is huge power.

At Resilient Practice, we talk a lot about the power of pressing pause. Feedback is a classic example:

After the comment “You are so messy!” a response could be

• Feeling wounded → shut down → resent the person

• Defend and justify → escalate tension

Or….consider the message with curiosity → learn and grow

After the flare of righteous anger, I paused, I asked myself why did this get to me? What belief had been tapped?

Here is the truth: I am creative. I work fast, thinking in many directions at once, and generating ideas freely. My surroundings including my home and workspace reflect the energy of that process; and I like that about myself, it feels alive.

But creativity can look like chaos to others. If my working style impacts someone else’s clarity or efficiency, they may not see the “good stuff”, they just see clutter and mess!

This allowed me to turn a moment of defensiveness into a deeper understanding of how I function, an appreciation that my strengths come with a shadow side and a practical opportunity to adjust for the team’s benefit

The comment was not a personal attack. It was an invitation to realign my impact with my intention.

So, when feedback lands hard, try a three step reframe to truly harness it:

1. Pause before reacting: Take a breath. Notice the feeling without acting on it.

2. Separate self-worth from information: This is not about whether you are good or bad. It is about how a behaviour was experienced by others.

3. What is the lesson? Extract value and discard the rest:

   • What part of this might be useful?

   • What does this show me about how others perceive me?

   • What could I do differently if I chose to?

Remember, not every piece of feedback must be acted on. But every piece can teach us something.

Imagine what would change in our relationships and our teams if we all felt safe enough to give and receive feedback without fear. If criticism wasn’t an accusation, but a connection point, a chance to understand each other better.

Not taking things personally doesn’t mean becoming disengaged or accepting behaviour that crosses boundaries. It means refusing to hand our emotional power over to someone else’s opinion, stepping into a mindset where we value growth over ego.

So next time feedback arrives and that old surge of defensiveness appears, remember: It is just information. You get to decide what story it tells and what happens next.

Try this technique and let us know how you get on!