"Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you."
– Unknown
Guilt is a hugely complicated emotion that can have a profound impact on us, both mentally and physically. It can serve as a moral compass, guiding us to correct our mistakes and uphold our values. However, when guilt becomes excessive or prompts negative core beliefs, it can be detrimental. Understanding how to manage guilt, whether stemming from perceived wrongdoing or deep-seated beliefs about ourselves, is crucial for maintaining resilience and emotional wellbeing.
Why do we feel guilty?
It is important to examine where feelings of guilt have come from because this helps us untangle the complexity. When we understand why we feel a certain way we can intervene appropriately.
Guilt largely arises when we believe we have violated our moral standards or caused harm to others. There are, however, differences in what some call ‘healthy’ and ‘un-healthy’ guilt:
Healthy Guilt: This type of guilt occurs when we recognise we have done something wrong and feel sorry about it. It motivates us to make amends and change our behaviour. In this situation guilt is used in a positive way.
Unhealthy Guilt: This type stems from irrational beliefs or unrealistic expectations of ourselves. It often leads to negative core beliefs, such as “I am a bad person,” and can result in chronic feelings of not being good enough and low self-esteem.
Unhealthy - Healthy Guilt. In this scenario something has gone wrong and ‘healthy guilt’ kicks in but then rather than using the experience to grow and move forward we ruminate about it, and use what happened as evidence to reinforce negative core beliefs about self-e.g. “I am so stupid”, “How could I have let that happen?” “I am not worthy of this job”. The more we go over the event the bigger it can get in our mind and we can often over-emphasise out part and catastrophise about the outcome.
Negative core beliefs are deeply held, often subconscious views about ourselves, formed through past experiences, especially during childhood. They are typically rigid and self-critical. When guilt triggers these beliefs, it can perpetuate a cycle of negative thinking and emotional distress. The more we do this, the more deeply we embed those negative core beliefs and so the next time something happens our response will be even more distorted and so healthy guilt transforms into unhealthy.
Try this:
Recognise and Acknowledge Guilt: The first step in managing guilt is to recognise and acknowledge it. Let the feelings be heard. Identify whether the guilt is healthy or unhealthy. Healthy guilt can be harnessed allowing you to make amends and to learn from the experience. Unhealthy guilt needs to be challenged and if we notice a cycle of healthy-unhealthy guilt forming we need to step in.
Channelling Healthy Guilt - Take Responsibility and Make Amends: When guilt is healthy and you have done something wrong, own it. Take responsibility for your actions. Apologise sincerely and, if possible, take steps to make amends. This not only helps to alleviate your feelings of guilt but it will also strengthen the relationship with the other person or within your team. Learning from our mistakes promotes deep personal growth. Also be prepared to share that learning more widely for the greater good of the organisation.
Challenge Negative Core Beliefs: Thoughts are a constant narrative in our brain. When we explore what has happened, paying attention to what we are saying to ourselves about the situation helps us to identify negative core beliefs and unrealistic expectations, for example “I should be able to manage everything” “I will never be able to do this” or “I am rubbish”. When we notice such beliefs we can challenge the validity of such beliefs. We can ask ourselves:
Is that true?
What evidence supports this belief?
What evidence contradicts it?
When we have overwhelming evidence against it we have to accept it is an irrational, limiting belief that we should not give attention to. We can reframe the negative thoughts and beliefs:
“I should be able to manage everything” becomes “I can manage anything when I put my mind to it and use the resources that I have”
“I will never be able to ….” Becomes “How can I …..”
And “I am rubbish” has to be challenged, try “I will always do my best”
We can reframe negative beliefs with more balanced and compassionate ones. For example, instead of “I am unworthy,” try “I made a mistake, but that does not define my worth.”
Banishing Lingering Guilt – This is about breaking that cycle of rumination that encourages us to go back over past events and using them to beat ourselves up over and over un-necessarily. This is where healthy guilt becomes unhealthy and reinforces negative core belief.
Again the key here is to evaluate the situation and ask have I addressed this? Have I made amends? If the answer is yes then we have to be brave and dig into why we feel the need to hang on to the guilt.
We need to be compassionate towards ourselves and rather than judging we need to forgive and draw a line under the event. If we find ourselves going back to it, rather than indulging in the unhealthy guilt we can be clear and change the narrative. Try saying
“I have addressed this and made amends. I am grateful for the experience because I learned so much and this has made me a better person. There is nothing further to be gained by revisiting this. It is time to move on”.
Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms: When we have felt guilt, be it healthy or unhealthy, engaging in activities that boost positive body chemistry are very useful. We would advocate for;
Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can help you stay present and reduce rumination on negative thoughts.
Physical Activity: Exercise releases endorphins, which can improve mood and reduce stress.
Creative Outlets: Activities like writing, painting, or playing music can help express emotions.
CALM to process emotions
Seek Professional Help: If guilt and negative core beliefs are overwhelming, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these feelings and develop strategies for managing them.
Guilt, whether from genuine mistakes or distorted beliefs about ourselves, can significantly impact our mental and physical health. By recognising and acknowledging guilt, making amends, challenging negative core beliefs, and developing healthy coping mechanisms, we can manage guilt more effectively. Embracing these strategies not only helps in alleviating guilt but also promotes a healthier, more resilient mindset, allowing us to navigate life’s challenges with greater confidence and self-acceptance.
For more insights on meditation and a host of tools and techniques for exploring the Self and improving your human experience see our book:
コメント