“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity”
– Nat Turner
During the years that we have been teaching resilience both in and outside of the workplace we have come to the realisation that the way that we communicate with others is instrumental in whether we survive or thrive.
Communication is a behaviour, and as such forms part of the Cognitive Behavioural Cycle.
Thoughts are the internal narrative, or the stories that we tell ourselves about what is happening within every situation.
Emotions are body experiences which can be generated by thoughts or narratives, but sometimes arise from other physical sources such as hormonal or nutritional factors, or lack of sleep.
Emotions are the body’s way of communicating to us that something has changed. When they are uncomfortable, the message is intended to initiate some kind of behaviour that will remove us from the situation.
Behaviours, especially if they are unconscious or automatic are generated by emotion, and so when we communicate unconsciously – without thinking about what we are saying or how we are saying it, we are not in control of any consequences that arise as a result.
When we become hurt or angry as a result of something that is said to us, that emotion may drive us to unconsciously lash out and wound back. It is then that we find ourselves in conflict as our communication acts as a trigger for the party who was responsible for triggering us. It is worth remembering, however, that no-one can trigger us unless we give them the power to do so. A trigger is merely an event that provokes an internal reaction within us that shows us that there is work to do. We do not have to accept the invitation.
Conflict only arises within our interactions when we allow our emotions to bleed into it.
If I say ‘you really upset me this morning’ several things happen:
I have to experience the same unpleasant emotions again as I recall them
I give the other party the tools to upset me again
I present an aspect of Self to the wider community that may affect how people treat me
I open ourselves up for judgement and analysis; the response could be for example, ‘you’re just being sensitive.’
If I replace that sentence with ‘Your behaviour this morning was unacceptable’ I bring the focus of the comment onto the behaviour and away from how I felt about it.
This empowers me. I am not judging the person, which would likely be a trigger for them. I am not giving inside information about my own psyche, which would disempower me. I am providing information about their behaviour – without emotion.
This is a ‘weights and measures’ approach.
All communication is an exchange of information and unless we are consciously sharing how we feel with someone who has earned the right to know, we are wise if we do not allow our emotions to bleed into our interactions lest we create outcomes that we have not chosen nor are within our control.
Below is a list of articles we have written about communication and its effects on all concerned.
We have included several approaches that we teach on our courses and trust that you find the techniques useful in all aspects of your life:
For more insights on communication and a host of tools and techniques for exploring the Self and improving your human experience see our book:
Slowing down and inhaling the above deeply...what a wonderful way to begin Sunday morning!